Because, Because I Can
I’m sitting here on a wonderful sunny day with a pot of freshly brewed tea in a regal looking cup and saucer fit for a queen. Peaceful, warm. Feeling a slight breeze and very content with my lot. Then I realise I’m eating this delicious long pastry with cream, jam, and fabulous pink icing on top. It looks spectacular.
I bite into this artwork of pastry in anticipation it will taste amazing. My reality is, I can’t even taste it. If there is a taste, it’s one of those overly sweet sugary types. You know the ones, they have you wondering just how many teaspoons of sugar you are consuming in that one piece of deliciousness.
There is no enjoyment in eating this. I am somewhat disappointed. So, I ask myself WHY? Why are you eating this? Because I can. Because no one can tell me not to. Because it’s there. Because it just looks so damn good.
Because, Because, Because, Because, Because.
For me, the epitome of being slimmer, was being able to sit down in a café enjoying a coffee and a sweet treat without being judged by anyone for doing so. Just being there, being normal, feeling normal. Feeling confident. Because slim people could do that. I wanted to do that.
So much of my life what I ate was scrutinised by my father. He meant well. He really did. However, his actions and over concern for my weight initiated a myriad of issues including, secret eating habits and buying of “forbidden” food. Thus began the installation of a relationship with food that was totally toxic and secretive. They were hard years. They were sad years.
As I look back at this pastry thingy, I wonder if I am eating it out of rebellion? Just to reinforce that no one is the boss of me, and I can eat whatever I want? Maybe, maybe not. WHAT I DO KNOW IS THAT I HAVE A CHOICE. DO I need it? NO. Do I want it? NO. Am I hungry? NO. What will I get from eating it? NOTHING.
So Why did I order this artistic masterpiece of pastry? Habit.
It’s what I used to do in My Fat Life. I ate unconsciously. What triggered this hiccup? Feeling somewhat flat and isolated due to a health issue and it had been some time since I was able to frequent a cafe. It’s very normal to revert to what made us feel safe or secure in the past. It cocoons us. The question is do we stay in the cocoon because it feels familiar and safe in the moment? For me, luckily, my years of training and working with bariatric weight loss clients kicked in exactly as it was supposed to. Having control over the seductiveness of that pastry is a major triumph.
You want to know if I continued to eat it don’t you?
I didn’t. I had no want to.
Soaking up the glorious sun I continued to enjoy the flavour and aroma of my freshly brewed tea in my regal style crockery. Content knowing that I can choose to eat what I want without guilt, shame, or judgement. Because, Because I Can.
Living and eating consciously is what I do now. I moved out of that cocoon.
PS. : If you want to live and eat consciously schedule a free strategy call and let’s have a chat